When parents prioritize appearances over relationships, the weight of perfection often falls on the shoulders of their children. These children learn to perform, to achieve, to conform—not out of joy or curiosity, but as a means of earning love and acceptance. The façade becomes their reality, and the need to look perfect or be included takes precedence over their authentic self.
This dynamic isn’t bound by culture—it’s human. Yet, as someone of Asian heritage, I recognize how deeply ingrained this is in Asian families. It’s a cycle: unhealed wounds from one generation bleed into the next, shaping children who suppress their emotions to meet impossible expectations.
The cost? We don’t get to know who these children truly are. Instead, we meet versions of them molded by the need to please. Beyond the individual, it’s a loss for all of us because the world misses out on the brilliance of their unfiltered authenticity.
Healing starts with awareness. While we can’t teach every older parent about the harm of these patterns, we can break the cycle ourselves. It’s on us to become aware, to unlearn, and to allow future generations to experience unconditional love—not for what they do, but for who they are.
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