“The same neurotransmitter that is responsible for cocaine addiction is the same one responsible for addiction to dangerous romantic partners – DOPAMINE.” – William Gorder
Don’t confuse the bond for true love.
I highly recommend reading this insightful post on Quora (link at bottom of post), one of my go-to online resources that played a significant role in helping me navigate and survive covert narcissistic abuse.
Surviving a trauma bond is one of the hardest journeys, but it’s possible with dedication and self-awareness. It takes immense work—not just to recognize the bond, but to break free and see things clearly. There’s no quick fix, no pill to get you to the other side. For me, understanding narcissism was the key and how I contributed to the journey taken. Nothing made sense until I sought to understand the dynamics at play—the disconnect between the words spoken to me and the reality of their actions. Their inability to show up authentically, rooted in deep insecurities and sensitivity to shame, made it clear that they couldn’t acknowledge or heal the harm they caused. The real breakthrough came when I realized I had to heal myself. With the support of good therapy, true friends, and a commitment to learning, I began to rebuild.
The pain is profound, especially when you see yourself through their eyes—as someone they viewed as weak because of your kindness and generosity. They mistook your belief in them for gullibility. Yet, deep down, your gut always told you something was off. For years, I ignored it because I didn’t love or trust myself enough to listen. I handed over my power to someone who abused it. One of the hardest truths to accept is that many people won’t see the narcissist for who they really are, especially if they were never a threat to them. Narcissists save their most destructive behavior for those who challenge them emotionally, who threaten the mask they wear.
It’s easy to believe the polished, composed exterior of someone who appears perfect on paper while dismissing the chaotic, emotional person as the problem. But I’ve learned to look beyond appearances—masks eventually crack under pressure. Covert narcissism is particularly insidious because these individuals seem incapable of harm, making the betrayal feel even more devastating <— an understatement.
Healing from this experience is slow, but it’s liberating. Trust your intuition, learn to value your own voice, and know that with support and self-compassion, you’ll come through stronger.
If there’s one message I want to share with parents or parents-to-be, it’s this: teach your child to love themselves, but first, love yourself. Without self-love, you risk passing unresolved wounds onto your child, perpetuating generational trauma. Everything begins from within—that’s the only thing you truly have control over. A child with self-worth is far less likely to become prey to someone else’s pain, saving them precious years of recovery, if they’re fortunate enough to make it out at all.
And when it comes to covert narcissists, once you finally figure them out, it’s like night and day. You see them in an entirely different light—their attraction, their allure, simply disappears. What once seemed so captivating becomes hollow, and their grip on you fades. In a way, that clarity is its own kind of freedom.
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